Flu Shots

So I know all of you lay awake at night, like I do, thinking of ways to torture, torment, and trouble your children.

Apparently last night I had an epiphany. I found a way to do exactly that to ALL FIVE of my children in a single day. "How, How!" I hear you chanting. And since the answer is so simple, I will share it with you.

Shots. Lots and lots of shots.

We went to the doctor for Kyra's 2 month checkup and I figured, "Hey why not get flu shots for the big kids too?" I already had Ian and Amy with me, so it would be so easy.

HERE IS HOW IT UNFOLDED:

The nurse comes to administer the torture. I volunteer to go first to show Ian and Amy how incredibly easy it is to get stuck with a long, sharp needle then have serum shoved into your muscle. I'm thoughtful like that.

She asks who should go after me. "Ian, you're up." Let the crying begin. Especially when his arms are pinned above his head and his legs are in the nurse's vice grip. NICE. Ian loves being forced to do things he doesn't like.

So now that Ian is screaming, let's move onto Amy and repeat the previous procedure. I know you are curious so I'll tell you. Amy doesn't kick as hard as Ian, but hard enough to help me break a sweat. And finally Kyra who is the least dramatic even though she gets 5 shots instead of one AND has to take an oral vaccination as well.

The volume in our exam room is roughly comparable to a BCS bowl game tied in the last 5 seconds with one team poised to score. I shout over the screaming, wailing, and whimpering children to the nurse, "it might take a minute for us to get out of here." Then I attempt to calm everyone down. You know how I got Ian to stop crying? All of your best guesses: McD's happy meals, park play time, and candy until you vomit are all wrong. I promised to make Tara and Eric suffer the same fate as him. Then he laughed. (I'm serious people.)

After school I picked up two unsuspecting children and drove to the doctor's office, again. Of course Tara and Eric figured out why we were there and were grateful, appreciative, and moved to tears by my concern for them. They showed all of this emotion by calling me "mean".

The office staff at the pediatrician's office see me so frequently they do me favors (like squeezing me into the schedule even though they don't do the flu shot clinic today.) I felt honored, but really I know that they are counting on me to provide their Christmas bonuses so they are buttering me up. 'Tis the Season and all.

We get escorted back and the same nurse gets assigned to us, again. Poor thing. She however is a woman I understand. When Tara started screaming before the needle was even brandished, the nurse said "I'll give you two shots if you don't stop." I was wondering how appropriate it was to ask if we could be BFF's if I don't know her name. Seriously, I think I fell in love.

So that is how I did it. I tortured all of my kids in ONE day. You can do it too if you like.